TOTH Montessori

Montessori at Home

Montessori children are standing next to each other in front of a brick wall
By Stephanie Sarvana 13 Mar, 2024
As parents, we want our kids to get along. Yet sibling dynamics can vex even the best of us. We cringe at how much our children can hurt each other, then melt when we see them treating each other with kindness. Their fights can drive us crazy, causing us to worry about whether they will like each other as adults. Fortunately, we can implement strategies to prevent problems between siblings, set the stage for healthy interactions, and practice some techniques for managing conflict in the moment. One of the first steps is taking time to understand our children, ourselves, and the situation. Without taking time to assess these three aspects, we often end up interfering in sibling conflict, which may stop the fight in the moment but that may also inadvertently increase competition and misunderstanding. Check-In with Ourselves When conflicts arise, it helps to first check in with our own feelings. Having awareness of our mental and physical responses allows us to practice self-regulation. We can breathe in deeply through our nose and our mouth. We can pause before responding. We can even express our emotions: “I’m realizing that I’m not feeling very calm right now. Because I’m starting to feel upset, I’m going to take a minute to try to regain some control.” Our children don’t need us to get on the roller coaster! Describe and Empathize Another technique to help in the moment is to describe what we see and to empathize. When we describe what we see in a non-judgmental way, we help our children become aware of what they are doing. This allows them the opportunity to choose if they want to continue. The real key is to do this in a neutral way: “I’m noticing that both of you seem to really want to sit on the bean bag chair. Sometimes it can be hard to both want the same thing.” Examine the Hidden Beliefs When children exhibit behaviors, they have unspoken beliefs behind that behavior. To better understand our children and these beliefs, can start to reflect on any hidden messages. Some questions to consider include: Do our children feel like they need to win, be first, have an item, etc. to be significant in the family? Are they trying to determine their place in the family? Do they feel wronged in some way and want to cause hurt back to others? Do they feel they are being treated unfairly? Are they trying to fight back to have a sense of justice? Is fighting a way to assert power in the situation? We don’t need to have answers to the questions but rather recognize that our children might be operating based on some mistaken beliefs. It’s important to remember that what happens to us isn’t as important as the beliefs we have about what happens to us. Our children just want to belong and feel significant and might need some support in developing new beliefs to feel accepted and important. Shift the Beliefs One way to shift their thinking is to practice putting children in the same boat. When we take sides in an argument or conflict (for example, by reminding an older child to be kind to their younger sibling or assuming wrongdoing in some way), we reinforce competition or hard feelings between siblings. Instead, we can give our children a choice or hold both responsible. If something has been broken, both can be involved in making repairs or amends. If they are fighting in the car, we can pull over and explain that we’ll be happy to get going again when they have resolved their conflict or have decided to stop arguing. If tattling is a regular occurrence, we can empathize and wonder how they will solve the problem together. We can also make sure we aren’t setting up situations that cultivate jealousy or competition by forcing sharing or putting one child’s needs before another’s. Provide Special Time Another way to help our children feel belonging and significance is to schedule special time. Our children need our undivided attention, yet so often as parents, we are pulled in so many directions. One way to address this is to commit to having five to ten minutes of one-on-one time with each child. Let your children know that this is time that you will be with them 100% and that they get to choose what you both do together during that time. Even if it is that activity that you just can’t stand, remember it is only for a short duration! Use a timer and stay committed to having the time each day. This undivided attention helps children feel secure and connected. The result? They are more cooperative with us and each other. New Skills Ultimately helping our children navigate sibling dynamics involves teaching new skills. We can help our children learn how to express themselves kindly and firmly, perhaps even practicing how to share concerns during family meetings. We can involve our children in finding solutions through problem-solving strategies. We can emphasize the value of different perspectives and needs by appreciating each child’s unique qualities and building gratitude into our routines. What we model and promote in our families helps set the stage for how our children navigate not only sibling relationships but their interactions in the world. If you’d like to learn more about how we cultivate respectful, cooperative relationships and help children learn how to resolve differences with respect and kindness, come visit our school!
A group of Montessori children with backpacks are walking down a sidewalk holding hands
By Stephanie Sarvana 28 Nov, 2023
Our children really thrive when home and school environments work cooperatively, communicate well, and share similar educational values and expectations. When families devote sincere effort to learning about Montessori principles and how to reinforce these at home, there are positive effects. We want to partner with you in support of your child! What does a home-school partnership look like in action? In order to reinforce and extend your child’s experience at TOTH, we recommend exploring how to support your child’s independence and problem-solving, staying up to date with school-home communication, and learning about positive-based discipline. Supporting Independence To support independence, it’s important to remember that even the youngest child can engage in real-life activities around the house. They can help set the table, fold the laundry, feed any pets, and tidy a room. Older children can contribute to home life by participating in household chores such as loading and emptying the dishwasher, putting away groceries, gathering trash/recycling, preparing simple meals, and more elaborate pet care. In this process, we want to provide children practice with self-care skills. This can range from putting on their own shoes, to picking out their clothes for the next day, to planning and packing their lunches. Providing children with these opportunities builds independence, confidence, and life skills. Even with very young children, the Montessori approach is “help me to do it myself.” We also want to give our children the opportunity to overcome challenges. They might struggle to get their shoes on at first. Rather than swoop and just quickly do it for them, we can break down the steps and offer some simple verbal guidance: open the velcro first, pull here, open the straps, slide your toes into the shoe, push down, etc. When we provide support for problem-solving rather than “fixing” a problem, we help our children build self-esteem, their sense of purpose, and the determination to master life skills. Communication is Key Although staying up to date with communication seems like a simple step to staying in partnership, lives get so busy and it can be easy to overlook those weekly updates from your child’s teacher or forget to reschedule a missed conference. To prioritize our children’s educational experience, we can take some simple steps to make sure we are in alignment and not working at cross purposes. At the core, we want to maintain respectful, direct, and active communication with each other. This can be as simple as communicating with your child’s guide(s) in a timely manner about significant changes or events in your child’s life. Life outside of school has an impact on your child’s classroom experience, and communicating with your child’s guides will allow them to better support your child during times of transition or challenge. Most recently, our Fall parent-teacher conferences offered a lovely opportunity to collaborate. But please remember that you don’t have to wait until regularly scheduled conferences! Please share observations and concerns about your child or their classroom experience directly with the child’s lead guide. Doing so allows the adults at school to be more responsive to your child’s needs in a timely manner. We want to know your thoughts and feelings sooner than later! Another good step is to familiarize yourself with the handbook each year. It’s easy to think it only requires one read, but it’s worth revisiting the handbook throughout the school year to review school policies and remember important procedures and expectations. Similarly, reading communications from the school and classroom is an effective way to stay current about any updates or changes and to build a trusting partnership with your child’s classroom guides. You are also welcome to reply to the weekly classroom emails with comments or questions for the teachers! We want to hear and understand your perspective. We also want to share how we work to uphold the mission and vision of the school and Montessori pedagogy in a way that balances individual needs with community needs. Communication is key! Practice Positivity We work hard to model respect and positivity. To support this, we ask that you also model respect for your child. This can take the form of practicing positive discipline (read more about this on the Positive Discipline website). Practicing positivity can also mean assuming the best intent. For example, if misunderstanding or conflicts arise, either at home or at school, as adults we can demonstrate respect. We can work toward resolution with graciousness and model being open to hearing another’s perspective. Children are watching and listening. If we speak of community members in positive terms, even if there is a concern or disagreement, our children will learn how to approach potentially tense situations with thought and care. Thank you for being willing to understand and support the school’s policies, stay in communication, support independence, and serve as a role model for all children. We appreciate it when families are willing to learn about and trust the Montessori model of education. This awareness helps us work together to collaboratively support children’s development most effectively. Children thrive when they experience their home and school environments as being in sync! One of the best ways to learn more about the Montessori experience is to observe. Schedule a tour! We would love to connect!
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