What Do We Do About Discipline?

February 21, 2025

In Montessori, discipline is about understanding misbehavior as communication of unmet needs, addressed with empathy and proactive support.

We often get asked the question, “How do you handle discipline issues?” We love this question because in Montessori we think about discipline from a unique lens. We start by being curious, because misbehavior is a form of communication. So, when a child pushes another child, dumps their cup of water on the floor on purpose, or will not follow a direction, what are they trying to tell us when they misbehave?

 

Unmet Physical Needs

 

Children often misbehave due to unmet needs. At a very basic, physical level, this might be due to being hungry, tired, or overstimulated. At school, we look at the environment and what we could change to better support those needs. Perhaps the problem is due to missing their sleep window at rest time and being overtired? Or maybe there’s a need for a more protein-packed morning snack so as to avoid meltdowns during playtime. It might be that a room full of people is causing too much sensory input and a little time in a quieter space or fresh air is just what’s needed.

 

Unmet Emotional Needs

 

Other times children might have unmet emotional needs. Dr. Jane Nelson provides an excellent overview of unmet needs in her Positive Discipline work. Positive Discipline aligns well with Montessori because both are based in teaching children respect, responsibility, and problem-solving skills.

 

In Positive Discipline, Dr. Nelson outlines unmet emotional needs and categorizes these as four mistaken goals. The essence of Positive Discipline is that children develop behaviors in response to feeling disconnected or powerless in certain situations, so they unconsciously use four strategies to try to get their needs met. Unfortunately, these strategies tend to backfire because the behavior isn’t effective! Our goal is to support children in learning new ways to meet their needs.

 

Mistaken Goal #1: Attention

 

The first mistaken goal is attention. We see this when children show behaviors like whining, interrupting, or causing disruptions of some sort. They are seeking attention but can’t yet distinguish between positive attention and negative attention. So, when adults respond with annoyance, irritation, or even by giving in, we are inadvertently reinforcing the attention-seeking behavior and children’s underlying belief that they only belong when they have our attention (even if our attention is based on frustration!)

 

A way to help children meet this need is to offer positive attention, encouragement, and connection at times when they aren’t showing misbehavior. Another proactive approach is to find engaging and meaningful tasks for children to do, which helps provide them with a sense of belonging and connection.

 

Mistaken Goal #2: Power

 

When we, as adults, feel angry or challenged in response to children’s behavior, that’s usually a sign that the mistaken goal is one of power-seeking. This kind of behavior can quickly escalate into power struggles, defiance, or even other ways to exert control such as through tantrums or arguing. When children have an unmet goal of power, they have an underlying belief that they can belong only when they are in control or when they can prove that no one can boss them around.

 

We can support children who have this unmet need by practicing collaborative problem-solving during times when things are already going well. In the moment of challenge, we can avoid power struggles by offering limited choices in a firm but kind way.

 

Mistaken Goal #3: Revenge

 

One of the more confusing forms of misbehavior is when children do things that seem intended to hurt others, such as hitting, name-calling, and other destructive actions. When acting this way, children may be demonstrating that they hurt feelings, so they will hurt others as they feel hurt. What’s tricky is that this behavior often leads to others feeling hurt and wanting to either distance themselves or retaliate.

 

To address this mistaken goal, we need to focus on repairing the relationship and over time addressing the underlying hurt. Empathy and restorative practices help in the process of healing emotional wounds. This mistaken goal requires us to get genuinely curious without any form of accusation or disapproval.

 

Mistaken Goal #4: Assumed Inadequacy

 

When children give up easily, withdraw, avoid challenges, or refuse to try, they may be operating under the belief that they belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from them. Our reactions may include feeling helpless, giving up, or even taking over tasks our children were expected to do.

 

An alternative approach is to encourage small steps toward success and to focus on effort over outcomes. Over time, by breaking up tasks into smaller, manageable parts, and providing side-by-side support without taking over and doing the task for them, we can help children develop more confidence and belief in their abilities.

 

Shifting our Thinking

 

When thinking about misbehavior, we shift our approach to first consider what physical and emotional needs children are trying to communicate. Then we focus on long-term solutions while practicing kindness and firmness. Consistent encouragement, respectful communication, and proactive planning help us address what might typically be seen as “discipline issues” so we can guide children toward healthier behaviors. Part of this includes helping children to understand their own needs, learn how to communicate respectfully and establish healthy habits and boundaries.

Independence: Let Them Struggle

By Katherin Castro Hoyos, Lead Toddler Guide • October 22, 2026
In the Montessori environment, we talk a lot about independence. But how does independence actually develop? How can we, as adults, support a child on this path? One of the first steps toward independence begins with movement. As the child starts to separate from the caregiver physically —moving, crawling, walking, reaching, and exploring— they begin to discover something profound: I can do things by myself. I can reach for something without being carried there. I can move toward what interests me. I can try. But before children can become independent, they depend on us. And the way we relate to them during this period of dependence makes a difference in their journey toward independence. From Doing For the Child to Doing With the Child At the beginning, especially in a toddler classroom, we do things with the child, not for the child. We guide them through each step. We show them how to push their pants down, where to place the diaper when it is wet, how to get water from the sink into a pitcher and how to pour the water, how to touch others gently, how to ask for a hug, and how to respect and accept it when someone does not want a hug. Sometimes we show them once and sometimes we show them what feels like an innumerable number of times! And then, they start doing it by themselves. Isn't this amazing? This is the growth of independence, and alongside independence grows something equally important: self-confidence. Independence Does Not Mean Doing Everything Alone At the same time, being independent does not mean that we no longer need other people. Human beings are interdependent. We rely on one another, learn from one another, and grow through our relationships with one another. Needing someone does not mean that we are incapable. This is one of the beautiful things about the mixed-age Montessori environment. The teachers are not the only ones showing children how to do things. When a child has mastered a skill, we can invite that child to show another child who has not yet mastered it. “Can you show Eli how to clean his nose?” The child will happily help. In that simple interaction, one child is learning a new skill, while the other is experiencing what it feels like to contribute and share knowledge. Both children are growing. This is interdependence: I can do things for myself, and I can also be part of something bigger than myself. Let Them Struggle If we want independence to develop, the child needs opportunities to struggle. Let them struggle when they are trying to put on their socks. Let them attempt to pour the water even when some of it spills. This can be difficult for us as adults because sometimes it is much easier and faster to simply do it for them. We can see the sock is inside out and we know exactly what needs to happen next. But if we always step in before the child has had the opportunity to try, we may unintentionally communicate: You need me to do this for you. Instead, we can practice patience, staying close, observing and offering just enough help for the child to continue. This does not mean leaving a child alone with frustration. It means staying with them without taking over. Sometimes the right amount of help might be showing the movement slowly. We can exaggerate the movement so the child can clearly observe it and begin to internalize it. Sometimes it might be holding the sock open while allowing the child to put their foot inside. Sometimes it might simply be saying, “You can do it. Keep trying.” The Gift of Trying Again Frustration is not necessarily something we need to rescue children from. It is a feeling they can experience, move through, and learn from —with the presence of a supportive adult. When we allow children to experience the difficulty of something while communicating, “I know you can do this”, we give them an opportunity to discover their own competence. And when they finally succeed, no one can take that experience away from them. They have learned something much bigger than how to put on a sock. They have learned: Something can be hard, and I can keep trying. I can ask for help when I need it. I can try again. These experiences become part of the child's developing sense of self. They begin to internalize a sense of competence that will stay with them long after the sock. Independence comes through interdependence, and the beauty of childhood —and of being human— is found in this ongoing dance of holding and letting go, over and over again.

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