In the Montessori environment, we talk a lot about independence. But how does independence actually develop? How can we, as adults, support a child on this path? One of the first steps toward independence begins with movement. As the child starts to separate from the caregiver physically —moving, crawling, walking, reaching, and exploring— they begin to discover something profound: I can do things by myself. I can reach for something without being carried there. I can move toward what interests me. I can try. But before children can become independent, they depend on us. And the way we relate to them during this period of dependence makes a difference in their journey toward independence.

From Doing For the Child to Doing With the Child

At the beginning, especially in a toddler classroom, we do things with the child, not for the child.

We guide them through each step. We show them how to push their pants down, where to place the diaper when it is wet, how to get water from the sink into a pitcher and how to pour the water, how to touch others gently, how to ask for a hug, and how to respect and accept it when someone does not want a hug. Sometimes we show them once and sometimes we show them what feels like an innumerable number of times! And then, they start doing it by themselves. Isn't this amazing? This is the growth of independence, and alongside independence grows something equally important: self-confidence. 

Independence Does Not Mean Doing Everything Alone

At the same time, being independent does not mean that we no longer need other people. Human beings are interdependent. We rely on one another, learn from one another, and grow through our relationships with one another. Needing someone does not mean that we are incapable. This is one of the beautiful things about the mixed-age Montessori environment. The teachers are not the only ones showing children how to do things. When a child has mastered a skill, we can invite that child to show another child who has not yet mastered it. “Can you show Eli how to clean his nose?” The child will happily help. In that simple interaction, one child is learning a new skill, while the other is experiencing what it feels like to contribute and share knowledge. Both children are growing. This is interdependence: I can do things for myself, and I can also be part of something bigger than myself.

Let Them Struggle

If we want independence to develop, the child needs opportunities to struggle. Let them struggle when they are trying to put on their socks. Let them attempt to pour the water even when some of it spills. This can be difficult for us as adults because sometimes it is much easier and faster to simply do it for them. We can see the sock is inside out and we know exactly what needs to happen next. But if we always step in before the child has had the opportunity to try, we may unintentionally communicate: You need me to do this for you. Instead, we can practice patience, staying close, observing and offering just enough help for the child to continue. This does not mean leaving a child alone with frustration. It means staying with them without taking over. Sometimes the right amount of help might be showing the movement slowly. We can exaggerate the movement so the child can clearly observe it and begin to internalize it. Sometimes it might be holding the sock open while allowing the child to put their foot inside. Sometimes it might simply be saying, “You can do it. Keep trying.”

The Gift of Trying Again

Frustration is not necessarily something we need to rescue children from. It is a feeling they can experience, move through, and learn from —with the presence of a supportive adult. When we allow children to experience the difficulty of something while communicating, “I know you can do this”, we give them an opportunity to discover their own competence. And when they finally succeed, no one can take that experience away from them. They have learned something much bigger than how to put on a sock. They have learned: Something can be hard, and I can keep trying. I can ask for help when I need it. I can try again. These experiences become part of the child's developing sense of self. They begin to internalize a sense of competence that will stay with them long after the sock. Independence comes through interdependence, and the beauty of childhood —and of being human— is found in this ongoing dance of holding and letting go, over and over again.